[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
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I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
my sentiments exactly
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.