When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
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If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it