*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
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I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.