First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
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Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Welcome
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent