[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
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This is a whole mood;
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.