Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
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me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.