I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
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I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
I love snow
– People who never shovel
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Whoa 😂
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why