I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
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If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
I’m not wrong
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone