Love thy neighbor’s dog
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Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
how high up are we talkin’?
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.