[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
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FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet