“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
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never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
channeling her this year
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
This January has 47 Mondays
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader: