Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
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Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.