If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
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Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
The future is now.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Just how popey was the pope today?
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.