before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
You Might Also Like
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom