Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
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A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Ah yes. The three genders
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together