inappropriate Care Bears be like:
You Might Also Like
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Not today, today.
Not today.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.