THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
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Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.