Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
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I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
secret recipe
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.