A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
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“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?