All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
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Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again