white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
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told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
So the ex texted me
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?