I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
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im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog