Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
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[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
*updates tinder bio*
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.