wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
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{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Saw online –
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.