Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
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Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
rolls sleeve
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-Octopus preparing for a fight
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
doing some research
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero