I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
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How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.