Duck typos.
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Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
My Plans 2020
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.