“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
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She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.