Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
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Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
I only eat vegetarians.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug