my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
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Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.