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When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.