What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
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Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn