Duck typos.
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me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”