If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
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His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Broom by every window for quick escape.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
I am yelling