Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
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Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
The Punning Dead.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.