I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
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Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Childbirth is so beautiful
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]