Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
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From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Happy Halloween 🎃
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.