I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
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*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
*gets down on one knee*
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.