Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
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My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains