my professor scared me for a second
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Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Aight bet
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday