Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
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Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
This could be us… but you playing
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.