Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
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What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.