My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
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I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.