“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
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For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Check out the legs on this baby
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”