Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
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Finished stitching this today 😇
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
Well, this explains it:
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.