KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
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I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about