Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
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If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.