Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
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Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
My wife鈥檚 been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it鈥檚 safer for me to sleep on the couch.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I鈥檓 in less] and Easy 馃檪
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
My son 馃檵馃徑鈥嶁檪锔弚as SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 馃槏 I told him they were water. 馃挦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Not my job 馃槀
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
According to math, I’m broke
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
A new house isn鈥檛 a home until you鈥檝e let a bag of salad die in the fridge