Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
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I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
accurate
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.