Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
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Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.